D, B And The Car Episode 2: Judgment Day

Sunday, 05/05/2013

8:00 AM CT

Happy Chico De Mayo. Dave returns to the hotel room as I finish getting ready. He lists all of the wonderful items on the hotel’s free hot breakfast. They all sound delicious. I just wish I was hungry. Instead, I tell him to shut up.

We leave the hotel. It’s still cold outside. I’m still wearing shorts.

8:30 AM CT

We enter Oklahoma and are greeted with a bill for $4. They call it a “toll.” Also, it starts to rain. I don’t understand this state at all.

8:42 AM CT

Our first 75 mph road sign. Dave believes that this legally and morally allows him to go 110. We spend a few minutes researching the definitions of “legal” and “moral. We compromise at 85.

9:15 AM CT

Dave gets the car up to 100 mph. If he hadn’t told me I honestly wouldn’t have realized it. It was so smooth and quiet. I gotta get me one of these.

10:22 AM CT

For reasons I’m not going to get into, and have nothing to do with law enforcement, Dave officially does not like the state of Oklahoma.

11:27 AM CT

Oklahoma City limits. I get some chocolate at the visitor center:


I promptly eat it. How was it, you ask? It was OK.

Our destination is only a paltry 540 miles away.

1:53 PM CT

Oklahoma’s motto should be, “Oklahoma: Plan to spend your entire day driving through us.”

Trees and grass become sparser, as red dirt become more prevalent. Also, the clouds are gone and it’s finally getting warmer.

2:33 PM CT

Texas welcomes us with a friendly “Hello, please don’t stay too long you Yankee.”

2:40 PM CT

We come up with a genius idea that is going to make us Texas-sized monies. Here I am marking the moment by saying “Genius idea!” over and over:


3:18 PM CT

We’ve traveled in six states over the past day and a half. So far, Texas wins for most boring state to drive through.

3:37 PM CT

Random thought for a future bumper sticker: “We all have hang-ups and quirks. Yours are just stupider than mine.”

3:47 PM CT

We arrive in Amarillo, Texas. It’s time for steak at The Big Texan Steak Ranch:


4:54 PM CT

This place has a food challenge: 72oz steak, three grilled shrimp, baked potato and a salad in sixty minutes or less. If you finish it, it’s free. If not, they get to keep your soul. As we were leaving a contestant begins the opportunity to be a winner:


5:12 PM CT

The gift shop here is awesome. Some of you will recognize the greatness of this:


I don’t buy it, however. Instead, I pick up a Texas-sized cookie:


5:37 PM CT

I also pick up a gummy snake. Dave picks up a hat and a new growler. Here’s how we look as we return to the interstate:


5:27 PM MT

New Mexico, and, coincidentally, a new time zone:


6:21 PM MT

The view out the passenger side window for the foreseeable future:


8:45 PM MT

We arrive in Albuquerque and find a cheap hotel. It’s been a long day, and there’s nothing good on HBO.

Tomorrow: D, B and the Car Episode 3: The Search for Spock

– Ben

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