Late-Night Monologue Highlights

Here’s a roundup of my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s late-night talk shows:

Late NightA bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. Though, I’m just amazed they found something working inside a Walmart bathroom.

Late Show: Guess whose tomb was destroyed over the weekend. Saddam Hussein. You remember Saddam Hussein. This guy was hanged for war crimes, and also for stealing music from Marvin Gaye.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! (in Austin, TX): There’s also a music festival going on in Austin right now. For a minute I thought people were standing in line to get their beards trimmed. There are a lot of beards here. It’s like a swarm of hipster locust descended on the city. The festival started last Friday; it goes through Sunday. Al Gore kicked things off. By the way, you know Austin isn’t like the rest of Texas when the guy they bring in to get the crowd fired up is the Democrat who loves icebergs and hates oil. Snoop Dogg is giving the keynote speech on Friday. It’s a very high honor. Very high. No one knows what Snoop will talk about yet, and I can assure you that he doesn’t either.

Tonight Show: Disney’s live-action movie, ‘Cinderella,’ which also featured a short ‘Frozen’ cartoon, came in number one at the box office this weekend with an estimated seventy million dollars. So, that story again: a short ‘Frozen’ cartoon made seventy million dollars.

Conan: Yesterday was the LA Marathon. It’s the only time a year you see someone running in the streets of Los Angeles when it’s not the end of a car chase.

Late Night: After a mysterious absence, Vladimir Putin today appeared in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. You know what that means: boob job.

Late Show: You know, they’re trying to get a deal with Iran. They don’t want ‘em to have nuclear weapons, so they’re trying to make some kind of a deal with them. They’re very close; they think within the next month. And then, sometime after that, they believe the deal will be available on Netflix.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! (in Austin, TX): Every year South by Southwest gets bigger. They’re expecting record crowds this year, which means a lot of traffic. I know people get upset about all the traffic; you should know that’s what it’s like to live in LA every single day. In addition to traffic the festival brings in a lot of money. Some people think SXSW is becoming too corporate, but I just think those people don’t understand the Red Bull-energy level awesomeness of enjoying a nutritious McDonald’s Big Mac from the comfort of your Nissan Cube.

Late Night: A Florida woman told police during her arrest that she was caught sitting naked outside a Dunkin Donuts because of a dare. It all started when someone said, “Hey, I dare you to smoke this meth.”

Tonight ShowA grandmother in South Africa celebrated her one hundredth birthday on Saturday by going skydiving. Pretty impressive; most people turning one hundred are going in the other direction in the sky.

Late Show: Here in New York City it’s the beginning of the pothole season. Earlier today Mayor de Blasio cut the ribbon on a brand new one over on 8th avenue. This thing is so big it has two Starbucks.

Conan: In New Hampshire Tea Party candidate, and presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz had to comfort a little girl who got scared during his campaign speech. However, the little girl felt much better after Cruz reassured her he doesn’t have a chance in hell.

Late Night: A South African university announced last week that it has completed the first successful penis transplant surgery. The success was a surprise, since the patient only went in for Lasik.

And, to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day:

– Woody

Posted In: Late Night