Late-Night Monologue Highlights

Here’s a roundup of my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s late-night talk shows:

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: The Powerball jackpot is up to 500 million dollars as of tonight. To put that in perspective, with 500 million dollars you can get HBO, Showtime and Cinemax; the whole package. If you win and take the lump sum you go home with 337.8 million dollars, which is the most money you can make for doing nothing, short of becoming a Kardashian. All you need is a dollar and a dream, especially if your dream is to lose a dollar.

Tonight Show: A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, is revealing all kinds of stuff, like, apparently Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm – which are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo.

Late Show: Tom Brady gave his MVP Super Bowl truck to Malcolm Butler, the guy who intercepted the pass. You know what I think? This kinda thing irritates me – give it to Beyoncé!

Late Night: A woman was arrested this week after she admitted to purchasing gasoline, driving to her ex-boyfriends house and using it to set his new girlfriend’s car on fire. She’s now facing five years in prison and up to three country music awards.

Conan: Charles Manson has officially broken off his engagement to his twenty-seven year-old fiancé. When asked why, Manson said her mother was a total psycho.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: NBC, yesterday, suspended news anchor Brian Williams for six months, without pay, for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him twelve years ago in Iraq. It’s weird that NBC gives out harsher suspensions than the NFL, isn’t it?

Tonight Show: Axelrod also said in his new book that Obama lied to Americans to get votes in 2008 when he said he opposed gay marriage. Of course, Republicans have already turned it into a scandal: Ben Gayzi.

Late Late Show: I’m your host, Wayne Brady. Tonight is the third night of my guest-hosting gig. I was having a great week, but when I pulled into work this morning, there was a dumpster in my parking space. Now, when I investigated the dumpster, I found out it was full of stuff CBS doesn’t want: Katie Couric, Charlie Sheen, young viewers.

Late Show: I was backstage talking with Super Bowl-winning coach Bill Belichick. We were standing their together looking in a mirror, and it turned out we looked like the two old guys who used to heckle the Muppets. We invited Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks, to be on the show, but he passed. My son wrote that joke.

Late Night: Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest this morning that he plans to record a song with Taylor Swift – when she least expects it.

Conan: A new report says last year Colorado collected 44 million dollars in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: Valentine’s Day is on Saturday. According to one of those surveys that they do, this year men will spend an average of $116 on Valentine’s Day, and women will spend around $77. In other words, guys, unless you have the good sense to be gay, you’re getting ripped off, from a business standpoint.

– Woody

Posted In: Late Night