Late-Night Monologue Highlights

All the late-night talk shows are back from the holiday break. This means the hosts and their writers are ready to go with a bunch of new, high-quality monologue jokes. Let’s see which ones from last night were the funniest:

Late Late Show: Marvel released a preview trailer for the movie “Ant Man.” If you’re wondering what Ant Man’s powers are: he has the power to lead hundreds of other ant men to your cat’s bowl.

Conan: At the Cowboys football game yesterday, Chris Christie was spotted in the owner’s box hugging Jerry Jones. It was right after Jones said, “Let’s get some hot wings.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: On Friday Obama imposed more sanctions on North Korea to punish them for hacking Sony. As part of the sanctions, the United States will no longer sell North Korea the American-made bowls that Kim Jong-un uses to cut his hair.

Late Show: This week the Republicans take control of Congress, and they have a full agenda. Here’s what the Republicans are going to be looking at: they want to pass the Keystone pipeline, they want to overturn Obamacare, they want to give fewer speeches at Klan rallies.

Late Night: A New Mexico woman was caught smuggling a handgun into an Albuquerque jail inside her vagina. And I’m guessing it’s the only time she’s had something that high-caliber inside her.

Tonight Show: The Jets are expected to name a new coach this week, and the leading candidate is reportedly former Buffalo Bills coach Doug Marrone. A lot of people are upset about the news – mostly Doug Marrone.

Late Show: Kim Jong-un’s sister got married. Instead of reading vows at the ceremony they read hacked Sony emails. If you want to get them a gift or anything the couple is registered at Bed Bath & Pyongyang.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: President Obama went home to vacation in Hawaii over the break. The Obamas rented a house in Honolulu. While they were there, the president took his daughters to visit Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam, which makes him the coolest dad of 1991.

Late Night: Sportscaster Jim Rome has angered marching bands across the country after he called them “dorks” on Twitter. Marching bands are crafting a reply, but it’s taking them forever to spell it out on the field.

Tonight Show: During a recent interview, British Prime Minister David Cameron said that President Obama calls him “bro” because they’re so close. While he calls Obama “Hitch” because he’s his only black friend.

Late Late Show: The Pope announced fifteen new cardinals over the weekend. He selected them from places that represent the modern world; so, sorry Florida, maybe next time. The fifteen new cardinals will then play the team from the Church of Scientology to see who the one true God is, and then the winner of that plays Dallas.

Conan: In Southern California, a naked woman, trying to sneak into her ex-boyfriend’s house, got trapped in the chimney. Afterwards, the boyfriend said, “That wasn’t what I meant when I told her we should try it in the chimney.”

– Woody

Posted In: Late Night