Late-Night Monologue Highlights

I thought I’d do something a little different today and share my favorite monologue jokes from each of last night’s late-night talk shows:

Late Show: Guess what’s loose on the subway: boa constrictors. Usually, when you’re riding on the subway, the only snakes you run into are guys going to work at Goldman Sachs.

ConanAccording to a researcher at Harvard, success doesn’t lead to happiness, but happiness leads to success. The researcher made the discovery after reading his grandmother’s throw pillow.

Late Night: Yesterday a woman in Tennessee was arrested just for letting her lawn become overgrown; though I read in Cosmo that that’s back in style.

Late Late Show: It’s not a great day for Dallas Cowboy Joseph Randle. Today he had to issue an apology to his teammates after being arrested shoplifting underwear and cologne. Even more embarrassing, the cologne was Tom Brady’s new scent: Interception. Randle said the incident was the biggest mistake of his life, and I’m like, “Easy there, Randle, it’s not like you signed with the Raiders.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: When it comes to holiday shopping we seem to be headed in the wrong direction as a country. Last year Black Friday moved up into Thursday, which of course is Thanksgiving. Stores started opening at midnight, which is awful because people have to leave right after Thanksgiving dinner to get in line. Macy’s just announced that they will open their stores starting at 6 PM Thanksgiving Day. So now there’s even less time between sitting down to pray and be thankful and fist fighting a grandmother for a flat screen TV. And, by the way, if you still have the energy to go shopping after you eat Thanksgiving dinner, you didn’t do Thanksgiving dinner right in the first place.

Tonight Show: Yesterday in South Carolina Biden met with a group of African-American ministers and referred to himself as, “The only white boy on the east side of Wilmington.” It got worse when he was like, “Relax. Relax. Half of my best friend is black.”

Late Night: According to the Center for Disease Control, cats cannot give you Ebola…even though they probably want to.

Late Late Show: It’s still very dry here in Los Angeles. The mayor of LA said residents should cut water usage by twenty percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English, so no one in LA could understand him.

Conan: In Colorado they’re filming a new reality competition show to come up with the best marijuana product. Yeah, so far the winning product seems to be marijuana.

Tonight Show: According to a new poll, Chris Christie’s approval rating in New Jersey has hit its lowest level in three years. Voters are saying he hasn’t done enough to fix the state’s economy. Christie said, “It’s really unfair, I’m only two men.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: Last month U2 released a new album, and instead of selling the new album they gave it away for free. It was automatically downloaded to everyone who has iTunes. For some reason this upset people so much that yesterday Bono felt compelled to apologize. What did he do wrong? The songs don’t even take up hard drive space; they’re on the cloud. And it’s U2, it’s not like Limp Bizkit got back together and snuck something into our pockets. What I’ve learned from observing this outrage is, apparently, we only want music for free if it’s illegal. We don’t want them to give it to us; we want to take it. Bono did go on to say that he feels so bad about giving the album away for free that, to make up for it, the next U2 album is gonna cost fifty bucks.

– Woody

Posted In: Late Night