Tonight Show Highlights

Here were my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

I thought this was great: to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise Lines had all of their toilets overflowing with green water. You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, and then they came in to the United States and became NBC executives.

Have you heard about this big controversy over the miniseries The Bible that played on the History Chanel? It turns out the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. And I think it might be deliberate. There’s one scene in the Garden of Eden where Satan temps Adam and Eve with affordable health care.

Morgan Freeman is on the show tonight. I saw his new movie, it’s a real thriller. Olympus Has Fallen is the name of the movie. The president is kidnapped and the White House is overrun by North Korean terrorists. I don’t want to give away the details, but in the end Dennis Rodman is the hero.

A 106 year-old woman in Columbus, Ohio has just been awarded her high school diploma. Here’s the amazing part: she’s still on the cheerleading squad.

We’re learning more and more about the new Pope. I read that he turned to the priesthood after he was dumped by his childhood sweetheart. You know what that means? We could one day expect to see Pope Taylor Swift.

The comedy segment was Headlines. Normally a mediocre segment at best, this was easily the funniest Headlines I’ve ever seen:

Morgan Freeman was the first couch guest. He stars in the upcoming film Olympus Has Fallen. The interview was good. It goes without saying that Morgan is a class act and a terrific actor, and he was no different during this interview. Here’s the second half:

Rulon Gardner and Henry Cejudo were the second couch guests. They are both Olympic gold medalists in wrestling. The interview was great. Rulon and Henry were very personable and did a nice job explaining why wrestling should remain an Olympic sport. It was interesting to hear how wrestling has benefited them and other people around the world. This clip contains everything except the first minute and a half of the interview. I don’t know who made the decision not to include those ninety seconds, but I do know that that person is dumb.

The James Hunter Six was the musical guest. They gave a fine performance.

A flawless show. I give it:


– Woody

Posted In: Late Night